What is Embarrassment? – Something to Noodle On Episode 01

Hello and welcome to Something to Noodle On‘s first blog post! Today we’re talking about embarrassment, which is a fitting first topic because putting yourself out there can be embarrassing. We’ll cover what embarrassment is, where the feeling comes from, and how it can actually be good for us.

What is embarrassment?

By definition, embarrassment is a sense of internal discomfort that can develop from both negative and positive situations. Most commonly, it follows an accidental failure to meet accepted social standards. It’s an uncomfortable and often intense public emotion accompanied by feelings of exposure, awkwardness, or regret (GoodTherapy.org, 2015). So basically, it’s that sudden surge of emotion you experience when you realize someone caught you doing something socially unacceptable. 

Why does embarrassment make us feel so uncomfortable?

We don’t like to feel embarrassed, regardless of what the source of embarrassment is. It almost always means that we’re acting in a way that other people think we shouldn’t. Along with emotional discomfort, we can also experience red hot blushing, profuse sweating, or the inability to maintain eye contact. Both the emotional and physiological reactions are often beyond our control. And since we typically feel embarrassed because of our own behavior, it’s understandable that we try to avoid embarrassing moments.

It all really boils down to the fact that we just don’t like to be judged. And let’s face it–it’s hard not to feel judged when you make a mistake in front of other people. Is it really a social faux pas without someone there to witness it? Maybe if we felt less judged, we’d feel less embarrassed about our failures, real or perceived. Compare it to a school setting, for example. Classrooms where mistakes are a positive part of learning are more effective than ones where students fear punishment for errors.

How long does embarrassment last?

Luckily, embarrassment is a short-lived experience most of the time. We do something silly, realize it was a mistake, and go through those feelings of discomfort. Perhaps we apologize or otherwise try to rid ourselves of those negative feelings. But eventually those uncomfortable feelings fade and we go back to normal. 

Sometimes, however, we have such strong reactions that the embarrassment lingers for what seems like an eternity. Days, months, or even years down the road, the memory resurfaces, and our body responds like it just happened. Or we lose sleep, reliving the horror of That Thing that happened ten years ago, dwelling on every little detail. Left unchecked, lingering embarrassment can turn into anxiety, which is a very unwelcome companion.

Embarrassment coupled with anxiety often causes us to fear situations that give others the chance to judge us negatively. We constantly worry about public humiliation, and avoid social activities if there’s even the slightest chance we could embarrass ourselves. Often, we expect the worst possible consequences of our social missteps [Mayo Clinic, 2021]. Or we replay our social situations a thousand times to make sure we didn’t humiliate ourselves in conversation. Silencing that voice in our head can be difficult, but it’s important not to give it free rein.

Where do feelings of embarrassment come from?

It’s easy to say that we shouldn’t let embarrassment or fear of embarrassment control our lives. But why do these moments make us feel this way in the first place? Thinking back to our definition, having others there to witness our errors, shortcomings, or failures plays a huge part. Without the awareness of an audience, would we ever feel embarrassed at all?

We aren’t born with an innate sense of embarrassment.

Young children are proof that we come into this world not feeling a lick of shame. They unapologetically act in ways that we would consider socially inappropriate without a second thought. They pull off their clothing in nice restaurants. Or they repeat words they’ve picked up that even adults probably shouldn’t say in polite company. And they’ll look you right in the eye while they do it, without an ounce of embarrassment.

Why? Because human beings are born with an egocentric point of view. We are the center of our own little world and everyone else just lives in it. Why should we care what anyone else thinks about our behavior? It’s only when we can view ourselves from the outside looking in that we realize we have a separate ‘self.’ We come to understand that our thoughts differ from other people’s thoughts, and that others may judge us or see us in negative ways [Emory, 2019]. That understanding paves the way for embarrassment.

Embarrassment is primarily a learned emotion.

For embarrassment to register, someone first had to tell us that our behaviors were incorrect, inappropriate, impolite, or otherwise negative. So say thanks, in at least some part, to your parents and teachers for how easily you become embarrassed. It is, of course, a little more complex than that. But embarrassment goes hand in hand with our sense of right or wrong, good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. We often learn these judgments from those around us, especially during our formative years.

That’s why different people have varying levels of embarrassment for the same actions. For example, say you grew up in a culture where belching after a meal is a compliment. You’re unlikely to follow up a large post-dinner belch with, “Excuse me,” nor will anybody prompt you to do so. On the other hand, say your parents always told you when you were growing up that belching is rude. You might feel embarrassed at even the smallest burp that escapes your lips when dining with friends.

What about the embarrassment we feel on someone else’s behalf?

While most of our embarrassment is self-directed, second-hand embarrassment also exists. This happens when we witness someone else’s blunders and feel embarrassed for them or because of them. A good example of this is when you’re watching a movie or TV show and a character is acting cringe-worthy. It might compel you to cover your face or look away from the screen. Or you shout at the character from your couch, begging them to stop and rethink their actions. Maybe you even walk away or change the channel. Anything to save you from the embarrassment that you feel watching them.

A lot of times, we are embarrassed on behalf of others because they don’t acknowledge the flaws in their behavior. Someone should feel embarrassed, and if it’s not going to be them, it’ll be us instead. Like personal embarrassment, second-hand embarrassment requires an external entity (in this case, ourselves) passing judgment on the behavior of others. 

The role of the outside observer is paramount to our feelings of embarrassment.

Further evidence of the necessity of an outside observer exists in the behaviors we perform when we think we’re alone. Maybe we pick our nose, dance in our underwear, or sing loud and off-key. We might apply the 5-second rule to that potato chip we dropped on the floor and eat it, even though we’d never do the same in the school cafeteria (never mind that one of those places is likely dirtier than the other). There are so many actions we perform in the privacy of our own homes that we would never do in public, but we don’t feel any discomfort, guilt, or regret over them. It’s only when we introduce that third party–someone catching us in the act–that feelings of embarrassment rise to the surface.

Here’s another fun example. Say you’re walking down the street wearing a short skirt or kilt. A stiff breeze kicks up, sending your garments flying upwards and exposing your yellow ducky-covered undies. Immediately, you feel the heat rise in your face, and your head snaps up as you check to see if anyone is watching. If nobody is around, the feeling of embarrassment quickly fades. But if you’re sure Mrs. Jones glimpsed your cartoonish skivvies, you might want to avoid eye contact as you sneak by. This, of course, hinges on whether you believe yellow ducky underwear is something to be ashamed of. But the argument still stands.

Can embarrassment be a good thing?

As we said before, embarrassment is a negative emotion that we don’t like to experience. Nor do we enjoy the feelings of discomfort, unease, regret, guilt, or awkwardness that typically come along with it. Because embarrassment makes us feel uncomfortable, we do whatever it takes to escape those all-too-frequent embarrassing moments. We keep a solid record of past embarrassments and internalize the rules and expectations dictated by society. We do our best to remain in line, hoping that in doing so, we make it through each day unscathed. In essence, avoiding embarrassment keeps us on our best behavior.

Embarrassment can help us keep our personal and professional relationships in good standing.

If embarrassment is rooted in our moral compass, we can also assume that our actions, beliefs, and attitudes reflect in our interactions with others. So, it makes sense that the desire to avoid embarrassment affects the way we handle our interpersonal communication and behavior, as well.

For example, if we believe that it’s important to be dependable in our relationships, we might feel embarrassed when we break a promise to a friend or miss a deadline at work. Because we want to avoid that negative feeling of embarrassment, we will do our best to follow through when we say we are going to do something. The same is true if we follow the old saying, “honesty is the best policy.” Getting caught in a lie is embarrassing, so we gravitate toward truthful exchanges. And certainly none of us wants to become the center of attention when a school or work project fails because of our inactivity. So we do our best to stay on top of our assignments and workload.

What we find embarrassing or not can also teach us a lot about our world.

As mentioned before, the way our surrounding society perceives certain activities and behaviors influences how embarrassed we feel in a situation. Thus, people from different walks of life won’t find the same things embarrassing. Take something as simple as clothing, for instance. In some African tribes, it’s normal for men and women not to cover up their breasts or genitals. Western culture, on the other hands, has stigmatized nudity to where seeing another woman’s breasts in the locker room or sauna can be embarrassing. But the differences in our reactions to certain situations allow us to understand each other on a deeper level.

If we simply remain open-minded and seek to comprehend our differences, we can learn so much from each other! It might be difficult at first to understand why common events evoke different emotions depending on culture, but putting in the effort to do so will only benefit the global society. We can create empathetic and compassionate individuals with cultural sensitivity and a broader sense of how we can all coexist harmoniously. While our priority is usually reducing our own feelings of embarrassment, mutual understanding can help prevent others from feeling embarrassed for or by our own actions, as well.

Keep noodling on the topic of embarrassment!

There is so much more to cover on the topic of embarrassment. We’ve barely scratched the surface! But hopefully reading this has given you something to noodle on. Feel free to keep the conversation going on social media. Or head over to our Contact Us page for more ways to get in touch. And don’t forget to tune into the podcast for all the personal anecdotes you missed! You can find Something to Noodle On wherever you get your podcasts!

Thanks for reading!

Something to Noodle On